You know what doesn’t make sense? Pens. They’re totally unnecessary! I mean, they’ve got that boring black and blue ink, and you can never get the perfect flow of the ink – either it’s too dry or it bleeds through the stupid paper! and they get lost so dang easily! I don’t understand that part most of all. You would think that we would all just find an abundance of pens everywhere we looked because people leave them all the places but no!! My theory? There’s this invisible, pen-munching hippopotamus (because everyone knows hippopotami are magical) that goes around and eats all the pens out of people’s purses and steals them from stores and banks (why else would they have those little thingys chaining their pens to their desks?! It’s to protect them from the hippopotami. duhh!).
But anywho… pens. there just no good I tell you! But even more useless than normal pens are those erasable pens!! Really what the heck are those about? I mean, the whole point of a pen is so it can be permanent (which can be accomplished just as easily with a sharpie or regular marker, I might add. and they smell cooler too. bonus.) so a pen with an eraser is kind of a moot point. Besides, the erasers don’t even erase all the way!! they’re like, wannabee pencils! It drives me batty!
Now, remember back in elementary school where all we used were crayons? Ah, those were the days! My not-boyfriend TA’s for a pre-k class and everyday he comes out of there with a crayon drawing. It’s rather adorable actually. But I remember when I was a youngin’ and the only thing that mattered was who had the coolest colors of crayon. One year I got a whole box of FIFTY CRAYONS!! I remember I opened the box and saw zillions of colors all lined up perfectly in rows… I swear there was some sort of celestial music playing as i reverently picked up that first color.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all used crayons all the time? You could be standing in line at the grocery store and have to write out a check, but instead of holding up the line while rummaging through your bottomless purse for a pen for fifteen minutes, just whip a crayon out of a box and sign! Or say you have a paper to write for an English class that has to be, say 3 pages long. Crayons are lots thicker than pens so using crayons means less actual writing is needed.
You see? Who really needs pens! We’ve just concluded that crayons are the best writing utensil known to man (well, ok I made that conclusion, but it’s pretty much a no-brainer!) so we definitely need those. Markers are keepers too because they’re colorful and they have almost unlimited uses! You can give yourself a tattoo for example, or draw on the unsuspecting person who sits in front of you in class. Yes, markers are good things. Now colored pencils, they’re ok I suppose. They don’t stay sharp for very long at all, but they’re different colors and they’re fun to sharpen. So we can keep colored pencils. Regular pencils too! Regular pencils are officially awesome! Know why? BECAUSE THEY CAN ERASE!! It’s like, you write something, and then decide you don’t want to keep it so you erase it and IT’S LIKE YOU NEVER WROTE IT! such magic!!
So I say we start a campaign to support your local hipopotomi. Set out piles of pens in your driveways and wait for them to disappear. They will! Know why? becuase the hipopotomi are magical that’s why! If we work together, we can save the world from destruction through pen usage! WHO’s WITH ME??
P.S. Will someone please use a crayon to fill out a check because that would make me ever so happy! You would be my new best friend!!
